雅思高分作文范文vs学生作文批改案例

雅思考试官方正式声明:4月的雅思考试因疫情影响取消。本来对4月考试抱有希望的考生顿时觉得凉凉。目前雅思5月纸笔考位已经全部报满,没有报到5月考位的考生尽量提早报考6月和7月的考试,时刻关注雅思官方的考位更新。另一方面,随着国外疫情的愈发严重,选择境外考一定要慎重。考生们可以利用这段时间认真学习,为考试做好充分准备。今天就来给大家分享一篇雅思高分作文。
作文题目
In countries where there is high unemployment,most puplis should be offered only primary education. There is no point in offering secondary education to those who will have no hope of finding a job. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
01
Essay Plan 作文提纲

• Introduction:

(1) refer to the task question

(2) my opinion: this argument is too narrow -1 completely disagree

• Paragraph 2:

1st reason for my opinion: the job market is unpredictable -example: technology replaces jobs but also creates new employment opportunities

• Paragraph 3:

2nd reason: the real aim of education is to help people to think critically- this produces informed and responsible citizens

• Conclusion:

the job market is volatile, and the real role of education cannot be neglected – to develop critical skills

02
Essay 范文
It is true that in countries which are suffering from high rates of unemployment, it seems hardly worthwhile to offer education beyond primary level to most pupils. While I accept that this appears logical, I believe that this is a very narrow perspective, and I completely disagree with the statement.Firstly, the prediction of upturns and downturns in the job market is extremely difficult. At one period there may be a demand for workers in many sectors of a country’s economy. Wages are high, and the education system needs to prepare large numbers of students up to and beyond secondary school level, with the skills to meet the needs of employers. For example, while technology is replacing many traditional jobs in such areas as agriculture, transport and heavy industry, it is also creating new jobs in other sectors. Thus, in economic terms, it is almost impossible to say how  many highly-educated young people will be required for a nation’s workforce.

Secondly, I contend that the purpose of education is much more fundamental than simply to prepare young people for the world of work. Education is nothing less than the acquisition of lifelong skills in thinking critically about all aspects of life. At its best, secondary education plays an essential part of helping young people to develop these critical skills. If the citizens of a country are informed and enlightened, problems such as a welfare system or the distribution of wealth can be intelligently debated. Without mass education to this level, a country can have no responsible citizens.

In conclusion, although in today’s volatile global economy, any country’s employment situation is subject to rapid changes, the intangible but real objectives of education dictate that young people should be educated to at least secondary level.

雅思写作批改1V1

学生作文批改案例

作文题目:

It is now possible to perform everyday tasks, such as banking, shopping as well as business transactions without meeting people face to face. What are the possible effects it may bring on individuals and the society as a whole?

学生作文:

老师批改及反馈:

1
布局

注意审题与作文的组织结构。此处审题正确,但要注意作文的布局。

1)审题上:网络的用处是把双刃剑,请将网络的优缺点分段来写,而不是把影响的对象分开来写,后者可在段落展开时再进行区分。

 

2)组织结构上:优缺点进行分段,注意段落的比例,尽量保持平衡。这里,第二、三段都写的是积极的影响,所以可以适当简写,缩合成一段。接着,尾段可以拆成两段,写坏的影响和结尾。

2
优缺点参考

优点:

①便利,省时省力,省交通,道路不会那么拥挤。

②在线处理事情更有灵活性,有充分的自由。

③网购,让人们有更多的选择机会。

缺点:

①无法保证个人账户的安全。

②减少了人与人的面对面沟通,改变了传统的生活体验,人容易感到孤独。

③网购无法保证质量。

3
句子内容

一是要减少句子的语法错误,二是要用词准确,减少中式英语。

1)it 做主语,属于单数,接着动词要用单三形式,此处make改为makes .

2)“带来影响”地道的表达是 "exert an influence on" 或"have an effect /impact on".

3)electrical technology是电气技术,改为Internet technology and electronic devices互联网技术和电子设备。解析:electrical是“电力的、电气科学的”,一般表示电气或电力,electrical engineering电气工程, electrical appliance电器设备,此处不适用。electronic表示“电子的” ,常见的搭配是“electronic devices”电子设备。

4)网络不局限于用手机, on the Internet 比 on the phone 的范围更加广阔。或:byusing the Internet.

5)举例子时,用as, like都行,但它们此处是介词,后面只能接名词,pay改为paying,后面的并列动词同样加-ing,变成动名词。

6)首段最后一句太宽泛,可以具体点说,同时带来了好处和坏处。This new high-tech trend has both benefits and drawbacks for single person and the society/ community.

7)第二段,可以先总写一句:On the one hand, internet tachnology has made people's life more convenient and productive.

8)第二段,"space time"是时空,空闲时间是"spare time"。搭配改成helps people save plenty of time.

9) 第二段中,"do tasks online are always easy to operation"动词原形不能做句首,可以加-ing,变成动名词。然后是"be easy to do sth"是固定搭配, operation要改成operate。接着后面的finish也该和going一样加-ing, 同时用accomplishing会更好。

10)第三段,生活节奏加快,这是如今的一个现象,其实不算是好处。然后 improve多写了一个,urban countries此处表达不恰当,建议删掉。

11)除了省时间,网络还有优点如:①网购的便利save both traveling expense and time,variety of choices. ②灵活办公的便利flexibility and efficiency.

12)尾段坏的影响要扩写,如:identity theft, lack of quality, reduce face-to-face interaction, cause social isolation等。

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